A Diabetes Discourse

Obstacles to healthy communication are a direct outgrowth of the mind’s tendencies to judge, blame, and assume intent - collectively, the compulsion to evaluate.

These tendencies put up walls and turn people who are simply different from us, or who disagree with us, into adversaries.

The mind wants to label them as wrong and/or bad. The mind tells you they are misguided, stupid, and sinful.

You may feel the need to show them their errors.

Whether the issue is sexual behavior or something as trivial as washing the dishes, the outcome is the same: people who are different, who do things differently, or who disagree arouse anger and must be defeated or punished.

The compulsion to evaluate involves wearing emotional blinders. These blinders leave you so consumed with defending yourself that you likely miss what’s really going on.

You don’t see when others are hurt or needing validation or are trying desperately to connect with you. You ignore vital information, including your own deeply felt pains and hurts, because it has nothing to do with winning.

Evaluation also hurts your relationships because it prevents you from seeing life through another person’s eyes. Your sense of perspective is greatly diminished or distorted.

You’re unable to connect with what other people know and understand, including what you may learn from them via their life experiences, pains, hurts, disappointments, joys, and perspective about the world. The blinders keep all of this from view.

How Evaluating Creates Resentment?

Judging, blaming, and assuming are mental habits that are made worse by dwelling. When you dwell, you get stuck in mind loops, endlessly recycling the past through the same good or bad judgments, the same toxic labels.

Over and over, you play tapes in your head of what someone did or said, blaming them for hurting you. The result is chronic resentment and a growing need for revenge. You feel righteous, strong. You imagine justice finally being done.

But what comes of this? Does the pain or hurt ever really get better? Is the relationship somehow healed? In reality, nothing changes. The rumination provides a moment of relief - an assertion of one’s rightness, a shining fantasy of revenge.

But the long-term emotional consequence is to feel hopeless and stuck. The resentment deepens; the pain just goes on and overflows into other areas of your life.

How Evaluating Triggers Destructive Behavior?

The more we ponder or dwell, and the more we believe and buy into our evaluative thoughts, the stronger the impulse gets to hurt others. In truth, evaluations are just mental constructs.

They are no more real than the Tooth Fairy, and if you tell a big enough lie often enough, people will believe it. Judgments and blame work the same way. If you keep pondering upon a thought, and keep repeating the same thing to yourself, you can come to believe just about anything.

When you really start to buy into a negative evaluation, it then begins to take on a life of its own. It starts to require action.

Something must be said to set the offending person straight; something must be done to awake them so they’ll finally see the error of their ways. Psychologists say that a phenomenon called emotional reasoning starts to take control. [Anger and Emotions]

Emotional reasoning goes like this: “If I feel pain, someone must have done it to me. If someone did this to me, I have to hit them back so hard that they never hurt me again.”

This is schoolyard logic; the same kind of thinking that gets a lot of kids beat up. It’s the same logic that motivates drive-by shootings and destroys friendships and marriages.

When the mind decides that others are bad and wrong, when the mind obsesses about revenge, there’s often no end to it. The will to inflict damage goes on and on, and it can quickly get out of control. Inflicting damage becomes all that matters, all that motivates.

Education is to be considered, whenever one thinks about improving finances, body image or a relationship. The two just seem to naturally go hand in hand.

It means that you are educating yourself about some aspect of the situation or learning about how to do something regarding your body by improving your state of affairs or your body often times.

Employers value education because it shows them that you are willing to put worth the effort to learn a subject and thus likely to also put worth the effort to learn a job related skill.

Better Decision Making

You can have better decision-making skills by acquiring knowledge through education. Making better decisions leads to improved situations and as a result increases your happiness.

Problem Solving Solutions

When some problem occurs, we search out self-help books or Websites on the subject so as to learn about the causes of problem.

With a hope to learn new ideas and new ways of solving the situation we seek these books and Websites.

You can come up with the solution for the situation or problem by educating ourselves about it. Let’s face it if we already knew all the answers the situation or problem would most likely not exist.

It just makes sense that to help us improve our situations we should seek answers and new insights.

Where to find the Learning Tools

You can find learning tools in books, magazines, videos, Websites, groups, classes, mentors, and even television shows. Who hasn’t turned to Dr. Phil or Oprah to know a relationship, or to learn about the latest new diet fad?

Moms forum is one of best places to learn how to improve yourself. The other moms on this forum love to chat about new exercise programs that they have found helpful in losing pregnancy weight [Healthy Pregnancy Weight Gain] or what Website they use to find relationship answers.

We talk about articles we have read in magazine and swap book titles.

Mentors

Surrounding ourselves with mentors is another source of self-improvement through education. Mentors are people who already know what we wish to know. You can improve your situation, relationship, or health by learning from them.

As an example; joining a group of local writers when the goal is to improve finances [Financial Goal Setting] through freelance writing can be beneficial.

As the group discusses the ins and outs of publishing, idea gathering or marketing; we will be able to soak in all the information and use it to improve our own efforts.

Health

You can increase the odds of making better decisions about our health by increasing our knowledge about what affects our health. You can stay up to date on what foods are better for us to eat, or what diets can hurt us instead of helping us by reading health magazines.

The same is applicable in case of improving our relationships. The more we know about why our spouse does what he or she does, the better equipped we are to deal with the relationship.

Knowledge is power. Knowledge gives us the power to be better informed, and better equipped to deal with improving who we are and how we relate to our world.

Are you being candid? If you are being true, real and keeping it simple, you will be open and candid. They are like flipsides of a coin.

Mind, intention and character will all come together, synergized in and through, what and how you have to say and deliver something verbally!

Goals, Direction, and Intent… worded differently, encompass a clear aim and purpose…

There has to be a reason and goal, purpose and motivation for something ‘oratory’ to be deemed successfully delivered!

• Find out your strengths and capitalize on them.
• Being true and purposeful, deliberate and open is important. Deception and hidden agendas will NOT be acceptable.
• Being empathetic and understanding is critical as well.

Speaking up with ability and confidence…

You are your own best/worst enemy when in these public speaking situations. Are you tapping into your strengths and resourcefulness? You have only yourself to rely on when you are up there ‘speaking’.

You have to anticipate and be at the ready for anything. You should reflect and introspect as often as you can. You will have to plan and prepare EVERYTIME! Sometimes you will even have to make the choice to take the risk of failure if necessary.

If you do fail, learn from it and move on! Be inspired and embrace your talents, discipline and practice. Your mastery is an ongoing work in progress.

You can use everyday conversation and public events to practice your skills, often and as frequently as you possibly can as you keep refining your skill and competence. You will also grow more self-confident [Improving Self Confidence] because of it and things will start to happen more naturally for you anyway!

First and foremost this is not about you (but it is in a way). If you are trying your best to get better at what you do, it should first and foremost be for yourself, NOT FOR OTHERS, to brag, be seen or gain acceptance, praise and the like. Be modest AND honest!

Earnestness:

Someone once aptly expressed and stated that ‘Earnestness is the natural language of sincerity and high purpose.’ I read this somewhere and it made such a lasting impression.

Your voice, looks, and gestures also tell a story. Is it the same and/or consistent with the words that you are using?

Not everyone does public speaking for the same reasons. Even if the audience is cold and non-responsive, it will be up to you to engage and inspire! You are their call to action and involvement.

• You are not violent or aggressive.
• Your gestures will be well thought out and effectively executed.
• Avoid exaggerated behavior like shaking of the head, rolling the eyes, twisting and contorting the body, meaningless gestures, they distract and are highly ineffective. They undermine your purpose and intent!
• Write and speak with the full spectrum of inflection, emphasis, pause, tone, pace gestures and more!
• Harness your abilities and competencies to serve the greater good and be successful in public speaking and all arenas of your life for that matter.

See public speaking and the interaction, verbal exchange and connection, as a great opportunity to share in the human condition! You will be greatly rewarded if you do embark down this path.

To deal with emotions…

Everyone expresses how they feel and act differently and uniquely. NO TWO OF US ARE THE SAME. There is no one-size fits all solutions here. Some general considerations and recommendations, however, might be in order and ‘help’ us all:

• Shyness: eyes=lots of side-glances.
• For calm and tranquility: eyes=mild, face=composed, and the body=relaxed repose.
• Violent grief beating with hands, stamping or the feet, and running about distracted.
• Courage: posture and body/figure=erect and free in its movements, with voice=full and firm.
• Pride: eyes=lofty looks and erect head, firm body, open
• When fearful: voice=weak and trembling, the lips, face and body=shake, and the heart beats violently.
• When dealing with anxiety, dejection, and grief, face=relaxed muscles, downward expression (contraction of the facial muscles) body=visible relaxation of the whole body.
• When serious, earnest, things with gravity and depth are in question: eyebrows=lowered, lips=shut firmly, eyes=vacantly resting on something far
• When expressing positive feelings of love, sympathy, devotion, and kindred feelings, voice pitch=high, eyes=soft/gentle luster, and maybe even a smile.
• When expressing surprise, wonder, and amazement: eyebrows = elevated eyes=open, and a soft, somewhat aspirated voice.
• When dealing with sorrow and grief: corners of the mouth= drawn down.

Here are some example emotions to master and experiment with.

Admiration, Anger, Appeal, Awe, Command, Courage, Cowardice, Defiance, Exasperation, Exultation, Gladness, Hatred, Hope, Indignant command, Joy, Miscellaneous, Patriotism, Resignation, Reverence, Sadness, Scorn, Sublimity, Surprise, Terror, Threat, Triumph.

One of the keys to becoming less ruled by what your mind tells you is to learn the skill of watching your mind.

You can do it, but it takes time and practice. Your mind didn’t start throwing evaluations at you overnight. It’s been going on for a long lifetime.

The skill of watching your mind will take practice and commitment, but it’s a powerful tool for changing your experience of anger.

To get started, try completing the exercises as described below.

Each exercise will help you detach from the compulsion to evaluate and believe those evaluations. Do one exercise at a time to see which ones work best for you.

It’s important to give yourself enough time with each exercise. These exercises are not magic bullets. They require practice.

A good starting point is to set aside at least ten to fifteen minutes each day to practice an exercise. Give each of them a few days of practice before moving on to the next.

Exercise: Mind Watching

Mind watching requires you to be a true observer of your consciousness. Here’s how you do it:

• Start by taking a series of slow, deep breaths. Keep this up through the entire exercise.
• Imagine that your mind is a medium-sized white room with two doors.
• Thoughts come in through the front door and leave out the back door. Pay close attention to each thought as it enters. Now label the thought as either judging or nonjudging.
• Watch the thought until it leaves. Don’t try to analyze or hold onto it. Don’t believe or disbelieve it. Just acknowledge having the thought.
• It’s just a moment in your mind, a brief visitor to the white room. If you find yourself judging yourself for having the thought, notice that.
• Do not argue with your mind’s judgment. Just notice it for what it is and label it “judging—there is judging.”
• The key to this exercise is to notice the judgmental thoughts rather than getting caught up in them. You’ll know if you’re getting caught up in them by your emotional reactions and by how long you keep the thoughts in the room. [Anger and Emotions]
• Keep breathing; keep watching; keep labeling. A thought is just a thought. And you are much more than that thought.
• Each thought doesn’t require you to react; it doesn’t make you do anything; it doesn’t mean you are less of a person.
• As an observer of your thoughts as they pass in and out of the white room, let them have their brief life. They are fine the way they are, including the judging thoughts.
• The important thing is to let them leave when they are ready to go and then greet and label the next thought—and the next.
• Continue this exercise until you feel a real emotional distance from your thoughts. Wait until even the judgments are just a moment in the room—no longer important, no longer requiring action.

Exercise: Separating Thoughts From Angry Feelings

This exercise will help you learn to detach your thoughts from angry feelings.

• Start by recalling a recent situation where you felt angry. Try to visualize what happened, what was said.
• Take some time to carefully build a picture of the event. Now remember some of the thoughts you had during the episode.
• As you recall what you were thinking, notice if the actual feeling of anger is starting to return. If it is, that’s good. Let it happen.
• Keep focusing on the judgmental or blaming thoughts connected to the incident. Really get into them. And if your anger feels a little sharper, a little stronger, that’s fine, too.
• Now go back to the white room. Imagine that your anger is hurling those judgmental and blaming thoughts through the front door.
• Take a deep breath. Inhale slowly, and then let your whole body relax as you release the breath.
• Keep this up while you start watching your mind. Observe and label the thoughts.
• Watch each thought from a distance—without believing or getting entangled in it.
• Don’t make the thought bigger or smaller, don’t agree or disagree. Just watch and breathe, noticing that the thought eventually leaves and a new one takes its place.
• Keep this up until you feel a growing distance from the thoughts—and perhaps from the anger itself.

Exercise: Riding The Wave Of Anger

You now have a chance to learn to ride the wave of your anger rather than be tumbled about by it.

• Think of a recent situation where you felt mistreated and upset. Visualize the scene; try to recall any irritating things that were done or said.
• Notice your judging or blaming thoughts. Keep focusing on the upsetting scene, as well as on the judgments you made about it.
• Let your anger rise till it’s a four or five on a scale of one to ten.
• Now go back to the white room mentioned previously. Observe your thoughts. Label the judgments.
• The thoughts aren’t right or wrong, true or false. Acknowledge their presence without trying to control or change them, without trying to push them away. Breathe deeply; keep watching your mind.
• At the same time, notice the emotional wave in the room with you. Be aware of the point where your anger stops climbing.
• Feel it leveling off and starting to diminish. Experience the slow ride down the back of the wave.
• Accept wherever you are on the wave. Don’t hasten to get past it. It moves at its own speed—all you can do is let go and let it carry you.
• Just watch your thoughts entering and leaving the white room, and notice the progress of the wave, nothing more. Keep watching until the anger has completely passed.

Exercise: Finding Compassion In The Dark

Imagine that it’s night. You are in a field with hundreds of unseen people. On one edge of the field is a cliff—it would be an extraordinary and terrifying fall.

The cliff is really everyone’s worst fear—death, shame, failure, aloneness, loss, helplessness. No one can see it. No one knows where it is.

Now imagine that you and all the other people in the field will live your lives there. You must find food, love, and companionship in the darkness. You must keep moving yet somehow avoid the cliff.

You’re always a little afraid, always uncertain, because the darkness never lifts. And you must find all that you need to live without falling into the abyss.

This is our human condition. People cope in different ways. Some race headlong; some hesitate to make the smallest step. Some cling; some push others away for fear of being dragged past the edge.

Some give up; some seek to understand, forever trying to pierce the darkness. Some demand help; some comfort themselves by trying to help others.

Close your eyes and be in the field. Feel how we all struggle there. Feel how we try to move, to take care of ourselves, while always sensing the presence of the cliff. Everyone walks that dark field; everyone is scared; everyone is doing the best they can.

Now think of someone you care for (such as your partner, your child, or your best friend). Keep observing your thoughts and feelings while imagining that person walking around in the dark field. They are hoping not to fall, just like you.

Be aware of their fear and struggle. As you do so, the wish may arise in you to help them, to be by their side, and perhaps to comfort them. That is all fine. Keep holding the same image while watching each thought and feeling come and go.

Now think of someone who makes you angry; watch the judgmental thoughts that start to form. Keep observing your thoughts and feelings while imagining that person navigating the dark field.

They are hoping not to fall, just like you and the person you care for. Be aware of their fear and struggle. Is it different from yours?

Keep holding the image of their fear and struggle while watching each arriving thought and feelings. This may be more difficult to do, because you don’t like that person very much and you may keep getting caught up in judgmental thoughts.

Still, keep holding the image of their fear and struggle while watching each arriving thought and feeling.

Notice that your task in this exercise is not to stop your anger or your judgmental thoughts. There’s no reason to change what you experience. Your experience is what it is, and it does not harm you.

But what you are doing here is something extraordinary that you may have never done before: you are adding compassionate awareness to your experience, so that your anger is balanced with full appreciation of the challenge of being human.

Several people make a decision to change their lives for the better once they came to a conclusion that life has gotten boring and there is definite room for improvement.

However, is community involvement and volunteerism is one aspect of self improvement which people might glaze over.

On the other hand, the truth is that the act of helping other people has big potential for improving a person’s self esteem besides to improving social, occupational, and educational status.

It just feels good to help other people. The person is assisting the community in one way or another if he or she volunteers to feed hungry people, or walk dogs at a shelter, or work at an information desk, or maybe even get involved in a community theater group,.

Therefore, self improvement is augmented by community improvement. It is a powerful feeling when people know that they are needed, wanted, and helping can turn the make the world a better place.

Volunteering

People should volunteer in a capacity which appeals to them and by doing so the act of volunteering will definitely derive happiness to them. It’s one of the perks of volunteering.

Where should a person volunteer? A lot matters on a person’s particular situation. Everybody will not have the ability to dedicate 40 hours a week to a cause, but fortunately there is a volunteer opportunity for just about any schedule.

For Stay at Home Parents

Some organizations will also provide child care for people while they volunteer, giving many stay-at-home parents the break they need and deserve. Actually, volunteering for some people is really the only time they get to be in a social setting.

If getting out of the house is not much of an option, many people volunteer as phone counselors or even phone visitors to elderly people, and can do so right out of the comfort of their home.

Other folks help with mailings or creating brochures and other publicity for volunteer organizations. The possibilities are never-ending, and the payoff is huge.

A person can lead to other things through volunteering. Many times organizations look to hire people who are already within the structure, including volunteers.

This means, for instance, that a person volunteering in an administrative capacity for a charity might in the end find themselves being offered a paid position.

Through volunteering a person can also receive valuable training which they may have otherwise required to pay for it.

Students and other people looking to enter a particular field can learn all they can by volunteering for a position within that field. The experience can go on a resume and possibly help a person in landing a dream job.

Obviously, volunteering has all the facets of self improvement. With volunteering a person can boost self esteem, learn a new trade, improve a social life, pad a resume, and do something good for the community all in one position.

To take on some volunteer opportunities should one of the goals when a person sets out on a quest for self improvement. When a person’s main objectives is to do more good and to help people in need, he or she will never go wrong.